What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:25
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was seconnd youngest,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Is there an MBTI personality that is more or less likely to handle stress?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Can I use the LEG PRESS to build muscle?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ive learnt so much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Who then, do I blame.?
Comes on , in middle age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It was going to be , some day.
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I will be 64.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
My life is so biszare .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Would this be the day?
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He knew the spot.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I write beautiful poetry .
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it wasn’t much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,